I am new and being brave!

[mandyo]

Here is a poem l wrote but not at all sure about


A high-pitched keen pouring through the room like a rainstorm after a drought.
Calling to me,
Calling from the depths, seeking with its tentacles for me, deep and exposed.

I have felt your essence while you were matched with me,
Your movements, strong and sure,
Your heart l have listened to beating like a drum to is own rhythm, yet in tandem with my own.

I watch you now, l have seen you before sweet one.
With your new, wise eyes you look into mine, I gaze back into your deep blue chasms,
Those eyes, filled with love, life, secrets yet to be discovered.

Your tiny hands, clutching onto mine, I won‘t let you go sweet one.
We are moulded now, together.
Your breath on my face, fresh, pure, I feel my heart contract in joy.

Skin on skin, nature completing its work, time immutable.
I cradle you; you complete me, using my body as your life force.
I do not begrudge you this, I welcome it, I revel in it, I find bliss and peace in it.

Your cry is a sweet melody of the song sparrow,
Call to me, you do not offend my ears; I delight in your sound.
I delight in you.

The wait was so long, the passage so hard.
For you and for me, our hearts beat together, l felt you, I imagined you, I could not wait for you.
The tearing, ripping, dripping red pokers poking me, stabbing me, tormenting me, were for you sweet one.

I endured, suffered timeless pain, my body screamed no more and my mind cried she is coming, your angel is coming.
You made your journey from place unknown, to me, through me, with me.
I have seen you before sweet one; we have voyaged in the past,

I know your soul as you know mine.
Mine rises and sings along to yours.
Like the rising sun, a new day, a new beginning, a new life.

I watch you now, sleeping, us skin to skin.
You are miraculous, you are pure, you are mine, I am yours.

A bond, a promise, a truth.

[WendyPratt]

Congratulations on being very brave! It takes a lot to put your poem out there for anyone to read and comment on, well done!

Your love for your baby and the joy that you take in them comes through very strongly, but I think the poem itself could be a lot stronger with a little but of pruning and tidying.

The lines are very long, the poem might have more impact if the lines were a little shorter with the line breaks falling where the reader might naturally take a pause or a breath. There is a lot of repeated ideas here, I wonder if the poem might feel less cluttered if you focused on just a few of them, for example in the first three lines could be condensed ie A high-pitched keen pouring through the room, Calling, seeking with tentacles, deep and exposed. Forgive me for re-writing this little bit, I wanted to show what I meant. I think by trimming the ideas down, really condensing the thoughts you could make the poem speak in a much stronger voice.

A lovely tribute to your baby

Wendy

[Fictionhead]

All the above and more!

In the line "beating like a drum" knock out "like" and just have "beating a drum", the image is more fulfilling then.

I have to admit my first thought on reading this up until this point was that this was about two lovers, then I discovered otherwise. But - but, but, but - perhaps in a way it is. Mother and child: what greater lovers are there? Just look at their expressions when they gaze at each other. The First Love. Love above all others.

See? You got me going. Keep on writing.

[Brett]

Yup - brave indeed, a big step isn't it.

Well, the comments you've had above I think are worthy of paying heed to.

I did find a few phrases in here that I thought would be considered cliché. I also thought that this may work as a much smaller piece, would it work as a sonnet? Repetition of ideas was mentioned by Wendy and she's right - now I'll give you a cliché: less is more.

Concentrate the poem; the basics, said well, will engage any reader regardless if they are a mother, father or not.

Cheers

Brett