Poetry
The Aftermath
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* In the interests of fairness, please do not post more than 3 pieces of your own work at any one time.
* Responses / reviews / critiques should be posted under the work to which they refer. Detailed criticism and suggestions are welcome. However, rewriting someone's work is bad form, unless the writer has requested it.
* Discussions of other matters should be posted in the ChitChat, Off Topic or Writers' Craft forums.
13 posts
• Page 2 of 2 • 1, 2
Re: The Aftermath
by patterjack » Sun May 01, 2011 10:31 am
As I read it , if you push the iambics as - some are wont to do (remember?)- *and * would be stressed, but I do not say it has to be stressed-- I was fiddling around with the comment by Brett about a change of rhythm if *has * were added. The original reads quite well for me .
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Re: The Aftermath
by Phil » Sun May 01, 2011 12:04 pm
I found this a bit of a difficult read to start - purely because of when I open a Wendy poem up I have certain expectations of style - and this is so different. Certainly not a crit - just an observation.
As I type this, I can't see the piece anymore. Ah!
It does build well - interestingly - the style throughout (I felt) was pretty direct - and so the ending fitted well. This may be a reflection of personal development on my part - but there's something almost comic in the word 'pissed' - besides messing up your rhythms, I wonder if it's really needed. It's implicit anyway.
Really like this - and knowing you, it'll be worked on a few times yet.
Phil
As I type this, I can't see the piece anymore. Ah!
It does build well - interestingly - the style throughout (I felt) was pretty direct - and so the ending fitted well. This may be a reflection of personal development on my part - but there's something almost comic in the word 'pissed' - besides messing up your rhythms, I wonder if it's really needed. It's implicit anyway.
Really like this - and knowing you, it'll be worked on a few times yet.
Phil
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx
- Phil
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Re: The Aftermath
by ainsel » Sun May 01, 2011 9:17 pm
I'm intrigued by this one, have read it a few times. It flows very easily, the language is simple and clear, and it expresses the weary resignation of the situation clearly.
The final couplet worries me, there's a hint of exasperation in the last line that I found a little jarring under the circumstances. But that may be just a personal response.
ainsel
The final couplet worries me, there's a hint of exasperation in the last line that I found a little jarring under the circumstances. But that may be just a personal response.
ainsel
- ainsel
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- Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2011 10:37 pm
13 posts
• Page 2 of 2 • 1, 2