"If we offend it is with our good will ..."
In other words, prepare to be offended - deliberately!
Anyone who wants to hear more can try tuning in to BBC Radio Merseyside [95.8kHz] on a Friday evening @ 22:00
also available online @ http://www.bbc.co.uk
The presenters of this late evening show are all MAD!! (and I am NOT related to the Presenter!!
They decided they could 'make a better fist' of writing a "soap script" than any of the current TV crews. I couldn't resist the temptation to interfere, and I've had apart in the scriptwriting of the developing series of scenes, most of which are 'ad libbed' without any pretence at "rehearsal" or a formal dialogue page - just stage notes and bouncing ideas off each other!
The Story so far ...
"Much A-Duvet About Nothing"
The Friday Night Floosies (plus Herbert, a famous local hairdresser) have gone off for a weekend holiday at Talacre (caravan site in N. Wales).
The weather turned nasty, and they were caried off by a tidal wave (or tsunami) and 'shipwrecked' on Anglesey (sheltering in the ruins of the castle at Beaumaris) ...
Next gripping instalment follows ...........
OS, night. SFX howling wind (the rain has stopped) Herbert, Linda, Jan, Sid and anyone who wants to be there with them are crouching in the lee of high castle walls.
J I don’t like the look of this: it’s spooky!
L Jan, surely you don’t believe in ghosts?
J You weren’t on Tom Slemen’s last Shiverpool trip,
Linda! I’ll believe anything after that!
S Oi, geroff me leg!
H Never touched her, Y’r Honner! Honest!
S Someone did …
L … or something, maybe
SFX ghostly moans and groans followed by
J Never mind the Photon blaster, where’s my colon
blaster? That’ll scare ’em off!
SFX toilet flush or similar sound [beat]
There, told you it’d work!
L Now we have to try and stay dry until we can be
J We can always sit under Herbert's suitcases ...
they're big enough!
L Calm down, calm down! [beat] Sid, did you manage
to find a phone and ring someone?
S I got through to RAF Valley in the end, they're not
that far away
J Mmmmmm, isn't that yummy Prince William stationed
L He can pick me up anytime he wants!
Listen, isn't that a helicopter I can hear?
[beat, then the opening bars of M*A*S*H are played]
PA (offstage)Stand well clear! Clear the ground! Stand back!
SFX: sounds of a poor 'crash landing', followed
curses & short burst of machine gun fire.
Male (exaggerated accent) Zank yu all for ze leeeft,
suckersss! I , the feared and fearless Colonel
Muammar Gadaffi claim political asylum and demand my
human rights are respected. I hold this miserable
group of camel dung as my hostages until my Chief
Accountant has confirmed that my Job Seekers
Allowance, Disability Living Allowance and Housing &
Council Tax Benefit have been paid into one of the
secret Swiss bank accounts I do not possess!
to be continued ...
Gadaffi turns to SANDRA.
G Cast down your gaze, o brazen wench! Who gave you permission to stare with such wanton abandon at the glorious, all-conquering, incredibly handsome Colonel?
S The only Colonel I know sells Kentucky Fried Chicken … !
G Silence! Who gave you leave to speak?
S Wotchit, mate! I’ll tell me Ma, an’ you won’t half cop it!
G Insolent female! Salaam at once! Acknowledge my superiority, or die!
Draws his sword, threatens Sandra
SFX: chopper arrives, commando abseils down rope
W Fear not, brave lady! I, Prince William of this Sceptred Isle, am here to save you from this monster in mufti!
L Oooooooh, Sandra! You’ve got a real knight in shining armour there!
G Sandra? Who dares abbreviate and mock the ancient, classical name of Cassandra? [he bows to her] Madam,for you I would cross seventeen deserts without a camel, scale Mount Sinai, and single-handedly build three pyramids in your honour (to William) Have at you, Sir!
W Up yours, Jackson!
Swordfight, with appropriate music.
Cheers & catcalls from non-combatants
William is clearly winning and is about to disarm CG, BUT…
Charles enters Stage Left, immaculate in pure white Dress Naval uniform
PC What ho, Wills! Having fun? Need a hand?
William is distracted, and completely misses with his final stroke.
Gadaffi seizes Sandra by the arm and drags her off into the undergrowth.
Sandra is screaming in fright, William is cursing his father, Charles is talking to a flower he has just noticed. Everyone else is yelling at the tops of their voices
H Don’t let him get away! That maniac Gaddaffi has kidnapped Sandra! We’ve got to rescue her before he reaches the mainland! We’ll need help: send for the Druids of Anglesey! To be continued ……….