UPDATE 05/07/2011
I will be deleting this post soon as I've decided to rewrite these first two characters. I've also included a prologue in the new version and I feel it flows better, gives more insight and is more action orientated.
The reason for the rewrite is I feel the whole not giving away name etc until mentioned, was too much with how long the chapter went without names being mentioned. The male leads name will not 'properly' be given yet, but the girl's will be given much earlier.
Also the description will be less romanticised, like the very start with the buildings. I felt it was way~ too much info for a simple building.
The updated manuscript will also be posted in a different part of the forum, as the length will now be over 5000 words.
Any feedback before hand will still be greatly appreciated.
END UPDATE
Here are the first two chapters of my story 'Wild Wings', A.K.A Project R. A post-apocalyptic story of strife, friendship, love and fate.
I'm a little unsure of my writing, so would like feedback before continuing with the story. I've made author notes at the end so it won't spoil your first read. I hope you enjoy and I'd appreciate any and all feedback.
CHAPTER ONE
Tall buildings towered overhead. The scorching sun could be seen beating down on the very top of the undisturbed monoliths, but could not penetrate into the depths of the dingy alleys bellow.
“Why..!”
A small girl exclaimed between gasping breaths as she charged down one of the tight, shadowy intersections. Her figure stood barley over five-feet tall and was rapped in dirty rags obscuring her face.
She stumbled over collapsed brick walls and toppled trash cans as she made a desperate dash down the dusty passage.
Doing well to maintain her balance, she continued to run franticly in the dim light. Then with a surprised yell she tripped and skidded across the floor. The young girls head snapped around to see what had caused her fall. Stifling a scream she scurried backwards, abruptly slamming into the wall behind her.
Before her lay a decayed corpse, it looked male but from what was left it was hard to tell. He appeared to have been there for sometime as most of his body had rotted away. His eyes were completely gone, as was most of his hair. What little remained of his skin was grey and slack, exposing the rancid organs beneath.
It had been the man’s arm that the girl had tripped on. Now the forearm oozed from where her shoe had torn off a chunk of dead flesh.
She tightly clasped her hand to her mouth and quickly turned away, coughing fiercely. Having been running so hard the smell had not registered, but now it was assaulting her without remorse. The whole alley reeked or rotten meat and copper. She choked back her own bile and shook her head trying to regain some composure.
“Why is this happening to me!”
She cried out to no one as she slumped against the wall. Tears weld up in her already sore and red eyes. Even through the blurry and watery lids her yellow iris glinted in the darkness.
A loud crash echoed down the walls, quickly snapping the girl out of her daze. Incoherent shouts filled the air as the crashing advanced towards her. Shadows of several hulking man-like figures could be made out barrelling down the alley, smashing through anything that got in their way like a herd of stampeding elephants.
The girl quickly scrambled to her feet, taking off down the dim alley again. Catching sight of their pray, the hulking-men let out an ear splitting roar and doubled their efforts to reach her.
“This isn't fair! Not fair. Not fair. Not fair!”
Dread shot through the girl’s body and she collided with a wall as she came to a sharp corner. Quickly pushing herself away she continued to race forward. The noises behind her were quickly catching up. She could see the sunlight at the end of the alley. It was only a little further and she'd be out of this nightmare.
The city limits are just ahead. Come on. Run. Run! She thought franticly to herself. Giving it her all she ran for the end of the pathway, bursting into the midday sun.
Temporarily blinded by the sudden light, she shielded her eyes. They adapted and she quickly assessed her surroundings. The streets were consumed in sand, with vacant and burnt out cars littering what was left exposed of the street.
The buildings were chard, desolate and gutted by numberless bouts of looting. Like many of the regions she had wondered to since her journey started. This once bustling city was now no more than another dune in this seemingly endless desert.
Large birds circled overhead or were fighting with each other over bones that were all too large to be that of an animal. A shudder crept up her spine.
There really is no one left in this city... Her thoughts were interupted by a loud crash behind her. The things that were chasing her had hit the corner the same way she had. They piled into each other, clawing past those in front of them in their pursuit of the girl.
“But why do you freaks still have to be here!”
The girl turned and started to run up the street. Coming to an intersection she banked left around the corner but then stopped dead in her tracks.
In the middle of the road ahead of her was the figure of a man. He was trying to dislodge something from a motorcycle in front of him. Upon noticing the girl he stopped and turned towards her.
The girl froze as he stood looking at her. He raised a hand and started to walk towards her.
“No... No! Leave me alone!”
She screamed as she ran back the way she came. The man shouted, but she could not make out any words. She had to run. It was all she could do. She had not travelled so far only to die in this god forsaken ghost city.
She was so focused on fleeing she did not notice she was heading back towards the alley she had just escaped from.
When she reached the alley, realisation grabbed her and she shot a fearful glance into the darkness, but there was no one there.
“M-maybe they gave up?”
She looked behind her. The other man did not seam to be around either. She let her shoulders drop as the air left her.
Her legs had been shaking the whole time. The exhaustion, fear and come down from the adrenalin were starting to set in. She hadn't eaten for several days either, she felt woozy and was struggling to keep standing.
The young girl shook her head again. Placing her hand on the building beside her she began to walk down the street.
Suddenly the sunlight disappeared. The girl looked up slowly. The sun had been blocked by the body of the hulking, ogre-like man who now towered behind her. His face was twisted and disfigured. One eye bulging out of its socket, and the other sealed shut by his malformed eye lid. His skin was a dark grey, and his arms bulged with overdeveloped muscles. His naked stomach sagged over the tattered remains of his trousers, and he stunk of rotten meat. It smelt just like the corpse the girl had found in the alley.
The hulking man smiled a horrible grin. What was left of his teeth were foaming and black in his mouth. The girl could not move, could not scream. She stared up at the man, shaking in terror. He reached down, yellow and broken nails protruding from the end of his fingers. Tightly he grabbed the girl’s arms.
Finally the girl screamed.
The creature raised his right arm high above him and her world plunged into darkness...
CHAPTER TWO
The world slowly came into blurry focus. Blinking several times the girl began to raise her head. She flinched as a dull pain shot through her brow.
The rags that were covering her were gone. Her long red hair could now be clearly seen. It ran down the length of her back, with short bangs covering her forehead, but had become matted and dishevelled from running. There was also a trail of blood leading from her hair line, over her face and down her chin. Likely from where the deformed pursuer had struck her unconscious.
She wore a white tank top, beneath a blue and black blazer. Matching the blazer was a blue miniskirt and white knee-high socks. There were spots of blood along the hem where she had tripped and scraped her knees.
The girl gingerly looked around her. She was in some kind of office. The walls were a dark brown, and the only light shone through a shattered window set above a wooden table, which was pushed against the wall.
The table was a mess with scattered papers, smashed cups and what seemed to be very old blood stains over half the desk.
The rest of the room faired no better. There were overturned filing cabinets, scattered documents, and more dark stains splattered all over the walls and floor. The room stank too. It was a vile mixture of copper, rot and urine.
Opposite to the table, the length of the wall was made up of glassless window frames. Through them what appeared to be a warehouse was visible. She could just make out the top of large boxes piled high haphazardly.
There were sounds coming from inside the warehouse, and the orange glow of a fire could be seen dancing on the side of the boxes. However from her seated position she was unable to see down to the bottom of the warehouse.
The girl went to stand but was quickly pulled back to the ground. Glancing down, she saw both her hands had been tied behind her to the steel girder she was leaning back against.
She franticly began to tug at the ropes on her wrists.
“That's not gonna' work you know.”
She froze then slowly looked over her right shoulder.
“Yo’. I was wondering when you were gonna’ wake up.”
There was a young man sat against a beat up radiator in the corner. He looked in his early twenties, with long brown bangs hanging loose over his face, and the back of his hair tied in a ponytail. He was clothed in a short black leather jacket, white T-shirt loosely tucked into his worn blue jeans. He also seamed to be wearing some type of protective knee pads and boots. Similar to what pro-skaters, or a SWAT team member would wear. A small silver cross hung from his neck.
“Who are you? Where are we? What's going on!?”
The girl blurted out questions in rapid succession as she panicked, trying to free herself.
“Wow. Take it easy. First, do I really look like I'm part of the crowd that stuck you here?”
The man leaned to one side, showing his own bound hands. She noted he was also wearing black fingerless gloves. She momentarily wondered how he could wear such clothes in this unforgivably hot weather.
“Second, I have no clue what's going on. I had some engine trouble when I got to this city. I remember trying to ask for your help and you ran from me. Nice to meet you too by the way.”
The girl could not help but blush a little to herself. If she had not hastily judged the situation, it was likely neither of them would have been in this mess.
“I tried to follow you and got jumped by some seriously messed up yokels. Next thing I know I'm tied up here.”
The girl looked at her feet. She felt beyond stupid. Why did she run away? She turned to the man again.
“Sorry.”
The man cocked an eyebrow at the girls sudden apology. She continued on, not raising her head.
“I had been running from those...things. When I saw you I thought you were another one of them.”
“Do I really look that ugly? I'm hurt.”
He asked, feigning hurt pride. But the girl did not laugh. To his dismay her expression sank further.
“I arrived here yesterday. I looked for hours trying to find someone. But it's just another ghost city. No one's left. Except for those horrid monsters. They caught me and threw me in some room. At least they didn't tie me up then and I managed to escape. But this time...”
“I guess they're not as stupid as they look. Shame.”
The man interjected. One side of the girl’s lips curled in a shallow smile, which quickly faded as she carried on her story.
“When I saw you, I thought you were another one of them. My eyes were messed up from cr... I couldn't see clearly. I... I made a mistake. So now we've both ended up here. I'm sorry...”
She bowed her head as much as she could with her hands behind her.
“Don’t worry about it. Say, what's your name?”
The man replied and she raised her head.
“Oh, I didn’t introduce myself. My name is Yuni Toshiko. Not that it’ll probably matter any more.”
Yuni conceded, staring through the outer window.
“Toshiko. That's Japanese right?”
“Yes, I'm...”
The girl stopped and looked at him questioningly. He was glaring at his bound hands behind his back, yanking his restraints hard.
“I thought you said that wouldn’t work.”
Yuni stated as he proceeded to tug at his restraints.
“Well you see...my situation...” He continued to tug between his words. “...is a...little...different!”
With the final word the rusty pipe he was bound to snapped with a loud metal screech. He looked at Yuni with a grin.
“You did it!”
Yuni's eyes gleamed in anticipation of their escape, but the man quietly hushed her.
“That was the easy part.”
He spoke with a smile and awkwardly rose to his feet, hands still bound behind him.
Lowering his body under the windows overlooking the warehouse, he made towards the doorway of the room.
The door itself had long since been torn off its hinges and lay across the floor in the decimated hallway outside. Thinking their captives securely detained the giants cared little about closing off the room.
The leather-clad man now had his back tightly pressed against the wall as he peered down the corridor before slowly craning his head through the opening.
“Here's hoping they weren't smart enough to post guards along the way too.”
“What do you mean?”
Yuni asked puzzled but the man did not even turn in her direction as he moved through the door way.
“See you later Yuni.”
With that the man disappeared from sight.
“What..? Hey wait! Aren't you going to help me too? Don't leave me here!”
Yuni strained against her bonds as she shouted, but no reply came. She slumped back to the ground. Her stomach churned and her head felt light.
How could he just leave me? She thought to herself in disbelief. Tears started to role down her cheeks as the weight of the situation fell on her. With her head hung low she quietly sobbed to herself.
“You god damned jerk! I hope you drop dead!”
She screamed at the ceiling through clenched eyes and burning tears.
“WHeR hE GO?”
Yuni's eyes shot open at the gravelled disjointed voice. One of the hideous giants was inches away from her face. It was the ogre man that had caught her earlier. She wanted to puke but the fear that gripped her wouldn't even allow her to blink.
“YoU! YoU TaLK nOw!”
Thick putrid spit flew into her face. She slowly shook her head unable to speak or tare her eyes from the disfigured face before her.
The monster became increasingly angered by the young girls inability to make words. A growl began to rise in his throat and his warped brow creased in rage. He quickly reached behind his back and pulled out a large, pitted meat cleaver, its length splattered with all manner of bodily fluids.
He raised the blade and it glinted in the sunlight. Yuni clamped her eyes shut and screamed as the blade cut through the air.
“Someone help me!”
There was a sharp thud and Yuni's hands suddenly felt lighter. She cautiously cracked open a single eye and brought them forward.
He had cut the rope from her arms. Before Yuni could process the events the man lunged forward grabbing a handful of Yuni's red locks, painfully dragging her to her feet.
“No MorE! We NO wAit!”
The monster threw Yuni across the room towards the other two men waiting near the door way. Each of them more horrifyingly mutilated than the last.
“eAt NOW!”
Screamed the ogre man that had just tossed Yuni.
“Wait! What?”
She questioned in panic but was quickly dragged out of the room and down the corridor.
“Stop! You...You can't eat me. Please!”
She fought against the grip of the monstrosity’s large hand. However no matter how hard she pulled, twisted and punched, it did not flinch.
They reached a dilapidated flight of stairs stretching downwards. Yuni continued to fight against the man and with a jerk she was pulled down the stairs with him.
At the bottom of the stairs they entered the warehouse, which the office had been overlooking. There were more of the men, at least four seated around a raging fire.
They looked eagerly at the girl before them as they licked their foaming lips. Yet what was more horrifying was the thing hanging above.
Yuni's legs went limp as she looked on in terror. The remains of a bloody cut up corpse were swinging back and forth on a chain above the flames. With what was left it was impossible to tell if it was once a man or woman.
“Oh god...”
Yuni slumped to the ground but the man that had been dragging her didn't stop. With a jerk he pulled her across the floor. They were heading to a large stone slab that had been set down near the fire. The once grey stone had been stained almost black by the shear amount of blood covering its surface.
The man lifted Yuni up by the single arm he held and slammed her down onto the cold rock. The force knocked out what little wind was left in the girls lungs.
“...Don't...”
She gasped out. Tears streamed uncontrollably down Yuni's face as the man tied her down. Then from the shadows another monster appeared. This one had a necklace made of hands strung around his neck. Half his head was bald, the other half had long white hair covering the left side of his face. In his grasp were two oversized blades he hungrily clicked together as he walked towards her.
“STOP!”
Yuni screamed through clenched eyes. She imagined the sharp blade cutting through her flesh and sawing through her bone. Every second seamed to take an eternity. But the blade did not come. She wondered what was taking them so long. Were they getting pleasure from seeing her struggle and suffer.
Do it already. Just stop torturing me like this you damn sickos! She thought woefully.
Still nothing came.
Yuni slowly opened her eyes. He had stopped in his tracks and was glancing around the room in confusion.
All the monstrous men stood and began to look around bewildered, grunting, growling and whispering between themselves.
Yuni tried to follow their perplexed glances. Then she heard it, a low rumble in the distance. She turned towards a large lead window where most of the small rectangle pains of glass were still intact.
It was hard to see with her restricted view, but there was a dust cloud on the horizon. It was getting larger as the rumbling sound grew in volume.
The window suddenly imploded and the roaring noise filled the room as a speeding dark shadow came flying in through where the window once was.
“Coming through!”
With a wild yell the man from before came crashing in. The noise was coming from the motorcycle he had ridden through the window. It was a black cruiser style bike, which jarred the man as it hit the ground at high speed. But he did not stop. Instead he accelerated towards the savages.
Instinctively the beasts ran out of the path of the oncoming vehicle. The man quickly swung the rear of the bike around, sliding it sideways into one of the monsters that had not moved in time.
There was a sickening wet crack as the frame of the bike collided with the monsters legs shattering them on impact. The bike came to a complete stop and the man swiftly dismounted, kicking out the foot-stand for the motorcycle in one swift motion.
“Yo'.”
He motioned a casual salute with two fingers. Yuni lay bewildered on the man sized cutting board. She stared at him standing there, apparently oblivious to the monsters silently circling around him. The only sound was from the incapacitated monster howling and rolling on the floor in agony.
“So, one of you ugly bastards wanna' get her off that rock?”
He glanced between the monsters questioningly.
“Guess not. Well I'll just help myself then.”
He started to walk towards Yuni. The giants looked between each other, not knowing what to do.
The man approached one of the creatures that stood between him and the captive Yuni.
“Excuse me.”
The creature blinked as it looked down at the leather glad man before him. It seamed to take sometime to process the events before it. Then with a blood curdling bellow it brought its arms above its head, ready to crush the tiny man.
“I Said, Excuse me.”
To emphasis his point the man swiftly turned and released a single kick to the monsters stomach, sending it flying backwards over the stone Yuni lay on. The monster landed on the floor head first with an ungraceful thud. Everyone watched on, but the creature did not stand up again.
Author Notes:
That's where I'm up to so far.
One thing I want to point out, you may have noticed grammar or spelling mistakes. I am actually dyslexic and have taken up writing this story to try and combat that problem, as I don't want it to rule my life. Also this is my first ever time writing prose, in the past I've written film script and that's it.
Second previously I removed all abbreviation so can't was cannot etc. I thought it was right, but the books I read still had abbreviations. So that's something I need to change.
As for the story, I didn't want the audience to know things until the characters learn themselves, such as names, places and how things ended up this way. I'm not sure if that is working against me though. We're nearing the end of the second chapter and we barely know one of the main protagonists. The pace doesn't seam right either, and the small bit of action seams weak.
I'm thinking of re-writing completely, and maybe writing a prologue on how things became as they are.
I'd appreciate all feedback, and any grammar/spelling corrections you noticed would be great.
) I hope it gives you some sort of idea of what to look for. A good tip, when writing, is to have a browser open to