a question regarding the correct use of person

[jaudrey]

Hi everyone, I have a quick question on the proper use of person within this example, my question being; it's written in 3rd person, with one character thinking about another character.... she does this, she does that... can I then make the sift to... you are this, your are that... see below, and thanks...

The man, the father, the husband lays ravished by disease withered and decayed beneath crisp white sheets. His days and nights are a feverish blend of confusing death dreams intermingled with bits of reality that are to him indistinguishable from one another.
His wife sits at the end of their bed in this darkened room that holds no value to him or any connection to anything from his life. It is a meaningless room, small and paneled and unfamiliar. Why is he here? And then there is nothing, just the black emptiness that comes and takes him and that is so much of his life now.
He sees his wife. She is lovely and she is beautiful. She is small with long black hair and light blue eyes. Her skin is pink and smooth and she looks warm and weary after a hot bath. She is wrapped in her heavy white terrycloth bathrobe that he knows brings her comfort. She is not aware that he is watching her.
She stands now and walks to the dresser and pick up a pile of clothes she placed there earlier. She carries them back to the bed. He sees her robe fall open as she selects from the pile a lace and silk g-string that she bought earlier and just for this occasion. She slips her legs through the thin lace straps and pulls them up. He knows she feels the coolness of the fine red silk front against herself. She puts on the black lace garter. She rolls up one of the silk black stockings, then the other. She puts on her new black and red lace bra, it fits well and he knows it makes her feel better, more assured. She looks amazing, but there is no one there that can tell her that. She turns and looks at him, but he cannot say speak and she cannot tell that he is watching her. She walks back to the dresser and finishes the glass of red wine that she started while in the tub. She places the empty wine glass back on the dresser. She puts on her jewelry; all fake, of course, nevertheless it shines and it glitters and it too, he can tell, makes her feel good. She applies her red lipstick and dabs on her perfume.
You’re downstairs now and it’s just slightly past the time you should have left. If you’re going to back out, now is the time to do it. You look in the long hallway mirror and you’re happy with how you look. The short tight black dress fits well. Your high black boots are on and you know you’re ready. You put on your long black coat and take one last look in the mirror; go, just do it, please, you tell yourself, and before you can change your mind you open the door to the cold winter darkness and you go.

[kanasta]

Is the wife the same person being addressed in the second person at the end? You can certainly do this if you like, but why do you want to? It's confusing for the reader and I don't see what it adds. You should probably choose which person to write in, or at least if you want to switch, do it in the form of one chapter written from one vewpoint , then switching, rather than just doing it randomly in the middle of the page.

A word of warning - although some people don't mind it, the majority of readers (I count myself as one) hate stuff written in the second person. It's often seen as pretentious, and although you may feel it helps bring the reader closer to your character, it actually tends to have a distancing effect.

[Keith exD]

You seem to have shifted from third person present in the man's POV to second person for the woman's POV in the last para. I'm not sure it works in this short example.

I would think you would need to make a hard break to separate from third to second person and then continue with the woman's story from her POV. I think that would work better.

(Just my personal opinion)

[jaudrey]

Thanks so much for the feedback... both of which I find very valid... my only concern is this, if you are that person in the bed thinking about another person, how would you refer to the person you are thinking about... "I can see her now, walking out the door, down the street, she looks amazing"... or, "I can see you now, walking out the door, down the street, you look amazing...

[Keith exD]

I'd say you could do either, but don't mix them up in the same context. He either thinks, 'I can see her,' or 'I can see you.'

If he thought: 'I can see her now, you look amazing.' He'd probably be derilious, or have attention span problems, certainly very confused.

Best avoid this unless you were trying to portay the guy as being delirious, confused or crazy.

[jaudrey]

...but would you find it acceptable that while she in the room he refers to her as "she", but when not in the room and he is thinking about her, he refers to her as "you"? This sounds confusing I know, but it really isn't... I guess the trouble I'm having is that if I were to think about someone, I would not think in the sense of "she" looks amazing, I would think "you" look amazing...

[kanasta]

But the story isn't being narrated by the man - if it were, it would be in first person... And if the bit at the end is from the viewpoint of the man in bed, how is he seeing what is happening? Has he got CCTV set up?

You might find this book helpful for this type of question, it's very good http://www.amazon.co.uk/Characters-Viewpoint-elements-fiction-writing/dp/0898799279

[jaudrey]

... no he is just imagining what his wife is doing after she leaves the room. Thanks for the tip on the book, looks good.

[kanasta]

Then, personally, I would keep it all in the third person but filtered through the man's viewpoint.

something like....

His wife left the room. What are you doing now? he wondered. Admiring yourself in the mirror? That dress looks good on you, doesn't it. He slumped back in his bed.

etc

[jaudrey]

right, this might be the thing to do, or perhaps all his delirium inspired dreams need be in the 1st person... I see you; you are lovely and you are beautiful. Your long black hair hangs down over your white terrycloth bathrobe that I know brings you comfort.

You are outside now and a slight wind picks up and so you put your hand to your hair to stop it from blowing. You start to run. You hope no one sees you; but why should you care? Why would anyone possibly think you were doing something you should not be doing? But you feel like they would. You can’t help it...

...that sort of thing?