Peter and 'The Wolf' parts 3&4: re-posted

[Keith exD]

GONE TO A BETTER PLACE

[Swampy Bob]

Hi Keith,

I knew the pulp fiction was in here, I'm getting in to this now, the wolf is living out the movie? He thinks he is the man? Looking forward to reading more of the Sig character, I like this Keith, more please.

I can relate to the wolf, I think that I am Elvis..I woke the wife the other night, I was singing and dancing semi naked in front of the mirror, ipod full blast to "burning love".

Cheers, enjoying,

S.B

[Keith exD]

Mornin Elvis!

Wow, you describe a scene 'barely' worth thinking about at seven in the morning.

Glad you like 'The Wolf' he is a troubled man. I have another three or four parts written, I'll post two of them tomorrow, I have to go out today. I couldn't decide what to do with these two after the seventh part. When you get to there, any ideas how to proceed would be helpful.

[Messiah]

I tried to read this, Keith, really I did. However, I struggled terribly. Much of the time I could not work out who was talking, and to who. And then there was the curious placement of commas – sometimes, absence.

Para 1: Peter and The Wolf watched in silence as the tough-gay barman and Owen-the-Chef, shovelled up Olley-the-comatose-cabbie.
There is no requirement for a comma after Owen-the-Chef.

Also: They gently carried him through a door leading out to the back of the pub, an unconscious arm over each shoulder.
Having commenced the sentence with “They”, this then reads that it is their arms that are unconscious. And it also begs the question: Is it just the arms that are unconscious? We already know that he is ''comatose'', so a simple “arm” would suffice.

‘They’ll be taking him out to the beer-garden to sleep it off. The Wolf goes outside when the weather’s nice; they got a kids playground out there.’
‘It was surprising to be informed people might even consider bringing their offspring to such a place.’
‘They don’t no more, the council shut it down after a bunch of six-year olds from a junior football team burnt down the adventure climber.’
[It may just be me but] I have no idea who is speaking any of the above dialogue.

''Owen and the barman returned. Peter studied the multitude of stains on the, once white, tunic of the sweaty, lank-haired chef as he re-entered the kitchen.''
Why are there commas after ''the'' and ''white''?

‘The thought of drinking, while a friend sits with an empty glass in unacceptable.’
Either remove the comma, or place another after ''glass''.

''Peter headed the bar...''' Missing word?

'' ‘Oi Travis, gissus an aris o’ Breezer mate.’ '' A couple of missing commas in this one.

''Travis raised himself and went to the display fridge. He pulled out a bottle containing bright green, lime flavoured...'' Why the comma after ''green''?

Etcetera.

Have a read through it yourself – I'm certain you'll spot your faux pas.

Regards,
Steve.

[Keith exD]

No Worries, Steve,

I wrote this about three or four years ago and I suppose I was still getting used to puctuation for dialogue.

The whole thing really needs 'kneeding' to get it into shape (or even re-writing). Also, after the seventh part I couldn't decide what kind of adventure to send them on and I stopped writing about them. I do that a lot, it's a bad habit --- lack of planning I think.

I posted it for SB because we were chatting about the film 'Pulp Fiction' which this is based around, and he expressed an interest in reading it.

Thanks for your comments, much appreciated.
Cheers and ¡hasta la vista!
Donkeef y Rockynancy