I tried to read this, Keith, really I did. However, I struggled terribly. Much of the time I could not work out who was talking, and to who. And then there was the curious placement of commas – sometimes, absence.
Para 1: Peter and The Wolf watched in silence as the tough-gay barman and Owen-the-Chef, shovelled up Olley-the-comatose-cabbie.
There is no requirement for a comma after Owen-the-Chef.
Also: They gently carried him through a door leading out to the back of the pub, an unconscious arm over each shoulder.
Having commenced the sentence with “They”, this then reads that it is their arms that are unconscious. And it also begs the question: Is it just the arms that are unconscious? We already know that he is ''comatose'', so a simple “arm” would suffice.
‘They’ll be taking him out to the beer-garden to sleep it off. The Wolf goes outside when the weather’s nice; they got a kids playground out there.’
‘It was surprising to be informed people might even consider bringing their offspring to such a place.’
‘They don’t no more, the council shut it down after a bunch of six-year olds from a junior football team burnt down the adventure climber.’
[It may just be me but] I have no idea who is speaking any of the above dialogue.
''Owen and the barman returned. Peter studied the multitude of stains on the, once white, tunic of the sweaty, lank-haired chef as he re-entered the kitchen.''
Why are there commas after ''the'' and ''white''?
‘The thought of drinking, while a friend sits with an empty glass in unacceptable.’
Either remove the comma, or place another after ''glass''.
''Peter headed the bar...''' Missing word?
'' ‘Oi Travis, gissus an aris o’ Breezer mate.’ '' A couple of missing commas in this one.
''Travis raised himself and went to the display fridge. He pulled out a bottle containing bright green, lime flavoured...'' Why the comma after ''green''?
Have a read through it yourself – I'm certain you'll spot your faux pas.