Idol

[YallieHunter]

Plunged into darkness,
Eyes shrouded by nothing
My soul floating helplessly
Heart sinking into the abyss
Here you are to save me
To pick up my heart
Gather my soul
And carry everything but flesh
Across the deep blue
The bridge of seductive death
No pearly gates await us
Just an old shredded mess
Through them we pass
Heart in heart

You guided my hand across the page
Showed me where to go
Explained the emotions inside
Even when i said no
You denied me peace
Tortured me beyond belief
Held my heart in your hand
Forced me to survive in this land
Now you come to me again
Plunging me through darkness
Shrouding my eyes with nothing
Extracting my soul
Letting go of my heart
My saviour in all this
You lied to protect me
Saying that i needed to see
To trust in you
But in you, i only see me.

[spuglet]

Hi Yallie,

Firstly let me admit that this is not my type of poetry so don't take me as any sort of expert.

That said I had difficulty understanding this piece and had no overall emotion from it at the end.
I also found it repetitive. I didn't understand the "eyes shrouded by nothing" first time round so it really jarred when it appeared again.
Also, if there are "no pearly gates", how can you pass through them?

Sorry if this all sounds negative, but I just didn't understand it, and therefore didn't get anything out of it.

spuglet

[Deborahhambrook]

Hi yallie, I think the emotion comes across in this poem. I agree with spuglet about there being some contradictions, and also, 'eyes shrouded by nothing' doesn't seem to have a point to it. It's a bit like- I went in armed with nothing- but that makes sense because you needed to be armed, and weren't. Eyes shrouded by nothing, suggests they needed to be shrouded - (from darkness?) but doesn't say why. But this piece has a flow to it, and I think it could be good with some more work.

Made me think - Deb x

Ps. Is English your first language? Just interested.

[YallieHunter]

Technically speaking yes, English is my first language. I have found it strange though that when i concentrate on another language with any form of intensity that I loose grip on reality and forget how to speak all together though.
I will admit also that when i originally wrote this piece about four years ago the line was "Eyes shrouded by...nothingness" but as i rewrote and rewrote it i was so sick of the line that i changed it.
I also only ever write when my mood changes drastically so i agree that it does need some more work but i was unsure what, hence the post. Thank you for your feedback, Deb and Spuglet, it does mean a great deal to me.
I understand that this is not the sort of poetry many people like but I write it for myself to let emotions and hurt out so sadly most of them are like this.
Yallie x