The Aftermath

[WendyPratt]

Deleted

[Brett]

Hello Wend,

Just left a review of this but somehow I was logged out - I'll do my best to recap:

I thought the grief in the first two stanzas of this sonnet very subdued and I think that suits the 'moving on'. I wasn't sure if 'A year has passed...' rather than 'A year's passed...' would be better - purely for rhythm.

I think the final couplet shocks after the relatively calm tone preceeding it and again this serves the content and of course context.

You have some skillful rhymes here.

Admired

Cheers

Brett

[WendyPratt]

Ah, the old, 'just left a review of this' dang! Cheers! To bed!

I have to say I disagree with you over the rhythm, but perhaps we are both reading it and laying the accents differently.

Thank you for your review. It's very nice to see you back, Brett.

[Geoff]

Stark honest and moving. I found that last two lines shocking, not in a bad way, but just the speed and ferocity of it. I thought the opening line read OK BTW. Skilfully written as always.
Take care

Geoff

[patterjack]

Agree with most of what has been said.
As I read that first line, the emphasis is pushed onto the word and-- but everyone to his own reading.

Technically I think you have delayed the *versa* until the last couplet, and this brings the strong shock effect. Maybe the effect is too strong ?

[WendyPratt]

Thank you pj and Geoff

Some good points. My main worry with this one was whether the progression from one idea/image to the next was too harsh. I'll probably be tweaking and re-posting this one, it needs a lot of work on it. I have problems with line four, the rhythm needs adjusting, half of stanza three also as I think it could say what I want it to more effectively, that's where it is at it's weakest. Bloody sonnets. I can't write for toffee at the minute, this is the first for a while and as you can see, I'm a little rusty! LOL

Thanks again

Wendy

[BrianRobertNeal]

Hi,
Is this autobiographic? I think the vomit image is inapt because it's something that can be washed away and that will have no long term impact.

It undermines the poem's strong message

Brian

[WendyPratt]

Yes I it is autobiographical. You make a very good point, thanks. But although you're quite right, vomit could be washed away, the image couldn't and the feeling of having something wonderful ruined couldn't. If it was a party then that would be the thing that people remembered. I was trying to get at that feeling of it just being spoiled, no matter how many good memories there are, how much you treasure and care for it, it can't take away the bad bits. Or something like that anyway.

You've given me plenty to think about, thanks

Wendy

[Sue]

A year’s passed and we’ve started moving on,

I'm with Wendy here - I can read this just fine and don't find any particular stress on the "and.

tied ribbons round our small, un-tendered joys.
Superb line - for me, the central idea of the poem and very effective.

It’s like the aftermath of some huge party;
Splendid choice of word, "aftermath" - I think of its literal meaning of "the second mowing," what's re-grown and is salvagable after you've taken the first and best of the crop; it's both subtle and apt.

It’s going perfectly, or so you think
until some pissed twat vomits in your sink.

Ouch.

[WendyPratt]

Thank you Sue.



Ouch indeed.