A Walk In The Park.

[Swampy Bob]

Through willow trees a warm summer breeze,
In the distance a swallow sings,
Ripples move gently across the pond,
As a maynard spreads its wings.

Pensioners swapping memories,
Of days that are long gone by,
Neatly parked upon a bench,
Under clear blue August sky.

A young couple walking hand in hand,
Oblivious to all around,
Children playing in their groups,
Breaking silence with joyous sound.

Senses aroused by summer blooms,
And the smell of fresh cut grass,
A dalmation stops to retrieve a stick,
And a Jack Russell sniffs it's arse.

His spotted companion raises it's rear,
And lets out a playful bark,
I walk on by and turn a blind eye,
To the dogging in the park.

[normsk1963]

You got me

[Keith exD]

A Dalmation and a Jack Russell? .... That's a long stretch.

Good a, c, rhyming pattern counterbalanced against the carefully co-ordinated meter of the feet. Nice collection of quatrains to make this into an interesting ballad. Loved the variable 9,8,8,6,7,6,6,7 syllable patterning.

[Swampy Bob]

Thanks for looking norm, and Keith thank you for such a detailed and Kind review,you are such a font of knowledge and I aspire to be as well learned as you one day

Cheers guys

S.B

[Geoff]

I loved the twist in this SB, rhyming scheme apart I was surprised that you had written this until I got to the end! I enjoyed the contrast, your mind works in a strange and compelling way (meant as a compliment btw)

Cheers

Geoff

[DaveH]

Hi there Swampy, the first four stanzas of this had me going,I thought you had mellowed a bit and gone serious on me, and taking that into account I re-read them and was amazed at how good they were in their own right then along comes stanza five the guy I know is back, fantastic humour and truely great writing, stanza six? the icing on the cake, well done mate, enjoyed.

[Brett]

Hi Swampy,

Like the others I enjoyed the humour in the final two stanzas but felt that the punchline may hold more weight if a few minor tweaks were made: the old couple 'reviving' or 'reliving' rather than swapping would hint they were at it and those days are not gone by (unless of course they are reliving them as voyuers?)
If the young couple were lying, with something else in hand (but keep the subtlety to make the punchline still pay off)and instead of children maybe just casual observers or picnickers? Just thoughts, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.
I think it has potential to be a lot wittier.

Cheers

Brett

[Swampy Bob]

Thanks Geoff and Dai,When I started to tap away on my laptop my intention was to write a more "serious" piece, but once I reached the third stanza I thought that this would just not be S.B and the rest just happened. I am reminded by work mates,wife,and complete strangers on a daily basis,that I am a strange man indeed.

I am glad that all of you guys "get it", you must be strange too eh? Takes one to know one

Cheers

S.B

[Swampy Bob]

Hi Brett,
I see what you mean,But I did not not decide to "twist" this around until almost the last stanza. The old people were not supposed to be involved,or witness the dogging . This could be a completly different story with that thought on board! You have certainly given me food for thought on that note.

Thanks for looking,and I shall ponder on your advise.

Cheers.

S.B

[Brett]

Only my opinion, but I think if a thread can be followed through the poem then everything in it has a purpose. And I think it would be funnier - and poetry doesn't half lack 'funny' these days

Cheers

Brett