Removed

[Deborahhambrook]

No, leave the ending as it is. It's intrigue and suspense.
I enjoyed reading this. I found it entertaining, in the way it is written.

Deb x

[Sue]

the doves
became a mass of bloody feathers up his sleeve.

He doesn't know that I’ve purchased
a secret trap door of my own.

One day I’ll be all sequined giggles
folding fish net legs into a sparkly box
and when he lifts the lid

The doves becoming "bloody feathers" - while startling - seemed at odds with the act - I mean, it would work out expensive, not to mention messy.

Love the idea of buying a secret trap door. "Would yer like ter buy this 'ole, it's secret, can yer see it? no? well, that just shows yer, dunnit." I think it's the word "purchased." Arranged, maybe?

I like the missing line from the end, "he'll find me gone" or something of that sort. One way you could make it more obvious (if you wanted) would be to make those last three lines 3/4 of a quatrain that's going to rhyme ABAB, then just don't put in the last B line. Tacky idea, but then the act is clearly tacky too Or maybe add the word "again" after "lid".

[misswaddy1]

Wendy I think this is a brilliant poem! Disagree about the lines running on and think it helps to maintain the pace of the poem and highlight the girl's disillusionment. I thought it was very amusing and found myself filling in the last line automatically and with ease. Superb Congratulations on the publication of your short story too!

ps - if it's any consolation I sit staring at a blank screen most of the time lately wondering what to write about! Most of the things I've written lately have been inspired from taking a snippet from a conversation and turning it into a poem - for eg Plenty of Fish came from a conversation with my friend about her internet dating experiences! Keep going - you're GOOD

[WendyPratt]

Thanks all, for your input in this, it's been very helpful to see how people interpret the poem, thanks for advice and thoughts too.

Sue- the bloody feathers up the sleeve, apparently that was exactly how they used to make the doves disappear, which I found horrific, but that was in the 19th century, so I've taken a bit (a lot) of artistic license to bring the image into this century, I wanted it to really bring home the idea of the illusion. It does stick out a bit, so I'll have to have a think. As for that last line, I did toy with the idea (am still toying) of making the stanzas more regimented in the number of lines so that the reader could go back and see that there was a line missing. My other idea was to end that last line with 'and when he lifts the lid, I'll' so that there is more of a follow on thought.

Thanks everyone, this has been exactly what I needed to get this oldie moving again. I think I might post a re-written version at some point.

[Sooz]

Hi Wendy. Only one thing struck me as odd in this.

expose my inner

performer. But he spoilt me, showed me, if it was the same stanza I think it would work, but I'm not keen on the carrying over to a completely different thought break.

Other than that I thought it was great, particularly the last line ...when he lifted the lid--what? great ending.

[WendyPratt]

Thanks Sooz