Untitled

[spade13]

I actually need critique for two poems, so if it's okay, I'm going to post the other one pretty soon. This one's for now:


Underneath the breath of summer heat, I’ve decided
to dig for the bullets of words you lodged in my brain. It is true
you are not special. You do not possess the hands that could sculpt
a mountain. Or the voice that could forge the sound
of autumn rain. The glare of your smile does not offer
the same gentle pain, as the flares of the sun. And your eyes
are not the diamonds locked inside a crippled chest, asleep
between the toes of an ocean.

No, you are not at all special.

You are only the air that is free for anyone
to breathe, the same air that I borrow for my petty needs. And
yes, you are most definitely not special. For if you choose to disappear
inside a vacuum, even for just a while... I and my life, the lungs
that shelters you, will empty into a void. And nothing
in your finite existence will ever
bring you home.


^ I'm personally concerned with line 2, "forge the sound of autumn rain", first line of the last stanza, and the end.

I'm debating whether to either change "vacuum" by the use of a substituting word, or adding another one. "inside a vacuum, or inside a ____, even for just a while..."

I've edited it, and near the end was suppose to be:

I and my life, the lungs you called home
will empty into a void. And nothing
in your finite existence will ever
bring you home.

^ but I didn't like the repetition of home in such limited space.

I bet you guys see more than what I see so I'll need you help. I can't really make anyone else I know read it unless I've gotten it atleast okay to read. So thanks for the future contributions!

p.s: also, I hope the sarcasm in the whole "you are not special" talk was noticeable, and is not a bother throughout the poem, or is it too "forced" and "corny"? What do you think?

[spade13]

I'll be glad to have any kind of opinion please.

[BrianRobertNeal]

Hi,
I think that it might help the reader if you gave the poem a title. This is often valuable for it gives a focal point and thus an assist regarding interpretation.

I can't handle blank free form verse so you must look to others for advice on content and format.

Brian

[spade13]

I think so too. Sadly I really haven't thought of a title that may suite the poem. I hope to find suggestions here too.

I'm also concerned with the format actually, since I can actually shorten the width and make the length longer using line spaces. Any ideas?

[Sue]

OK - critique, rather than response.

You've got a few too many ideas in here, which is probably why you're having trouble with the title.

Underneath the breath of summer heat,

Why "underneath" - and how is the heat relevant to the rest of the poem? You don't keep heat as a theme, so does it need to be there?

I’ve decided
to dig for the bullets of words you lodged in my brain.

And this (great line BTW) sounds like the start of an angry or hurt riposte. But you don't continue that idea. So again - does it need to be there? Perhaps it is another poem, or a separate stanza (in which case you've got to tie the idea down somehow within the poem, or dismiss it, somehow, somewhere, etc).

Now this is where the poem really begins:.

It is true
you are not special.

And the central idea that I found was this:

You are only the air that ... I borrow for my petty needs. And ... if you choose to disappear... etc

Not a new idea, but quite freshly expressed.

I agree that the lines you edited are the crux:

I and my life, the lungs you called home
will empty into a void. And nothing
in your finite existence will ever
bring you home.

How about something like:

I and the lungs you gave life
will breathe in a void.

I have to say I didn't entirely connect with

And nothing
in your finite existence will ever
bring you home.

Isn't it rather

And nothing
in my finite existence can ever
call you home.

Or to extend the metaphor of the air in your lungs, something about you not having breath to call the other home?

[spade13]

Thank you for the constructive critique. You pointed out parts that are very important for me to ponder about.

About the first line, I really didn't mean to give a subtle hint that heat is the theme, because you are right, it is not. But I just thought I needed to start the poem with something that may trigger reflection... hence the "bullets of words..."

Do you think I should go ahead with the format but insert maybe a different line that doesn't express "heat"?

Thank your for the suggestion regarding the ending. I really didn't think of it that way. Yours is far better. I just imagined how if the air (loved one) desides to disappear, then the lungs die and the air suddenly loses its home? In this case, the lover and the loved one has been co-depending on each other.