Short stories
Deleted
Moderator: Mods
Forum rules
* In the interests of fairness, please do not post more than 3 pieces of your own work at any one time.
* Responses / reviews / critiques should be posted under the work to which they refer.
* Discussions of other matters should be posted in the ChitChat, Off Topic or Writers' Craft forums.
* In the interests of fairness, please do not post more than 3 pieces of your own work at any one time.
* Responses / reviews / critiques should be posted under the work to which they refer.
* Discussions of other matters should be posted in the ChitChat, Off Topic or Writers' Craft forums.
7 posts
• Page 1 of 1
Deleted
by TheFutureIsBright » Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:18 am
Deleted.
Last edited by TheFutureIsBright on Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
- TheFutureIsBright
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:15 am
Re: Obsession [First post, Feed back please?]
by lukewillson » Fri Jan 20, 2012 1:57 am
Its real dark yet you make the dark seem beautiful at the same time. Thats what i like about this anyway.
- lukewillson
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:27 pm
Re: Obsession [First post, Feed back please?]
by Ergo_Proxy » Fri Jan 20, 2012 6:46 am
I thought it was nice, overly sentimental, but nice nonetheless, until I got to the ending. Another story about a psychopathic nut. I think you should warn the reader ahead of time with a few hints so they know what they're getting into, before they take the time to read the whole story and realize at the very end that it's about a maniac who kills his would-be lover and gets sexually turned on by it. Geez.
This type of story (though it was more of a vignette than a story) has been done to death, so it's important that you bring something new to the table. Who is this nut job? Why is he such a crazy wacko? Did he get dropped on the head too many times as a baby? Give us some insight into his psychosis. Shed light on his character and on the source of his impulses and motives. That would help flesh out this threadbare "story" and give it a sense of literary merit. Right now it's just a cheap death fantasy that you could find on any internet gore site.
This type of story (though it was more of a vignette than a story) has been done to death, so it's important that you bring something new to the table. Who is this nut job? Why is he such a crazy wacko? Did he get dropped on the head too many times as a baby? Give us some insight into his psychosis. Shed light on his character and on the source of his impulses and motives. That would help flesh out this threadbare "story" and give it a sense of literary merit. Right now it's just a cheap death fantasy that you could find on any internet gore site.
-
Ergo_Proxy - Posts: 3
- Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:23 am
Re: Obsession [First post, Feed back please?]
by Ergo_Proxy » Fri Jan 20, 2012 9:14 am
snuff fiction, right? the name just came to me.
alright, back to bed (cant believe i logged on just to type this message. lol.)
alright, back to bed (cant believe i logged on just to type this message. lol.)
-
Ergo_Proxy - Posts: 3
- Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:23 am
Re: Deleted
by Messiah » Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:39 pm
I saw ''Deleted'' and thought that this might be a story about cybermen. Sadly, it was not – which left me feeling rather disappointed. However, at least the story had a certain succincness about it, which meant that my disappointment - akin to the story - was extremely short-lived.
I wonder if, like myself, it will suffer from a ressurection?
Ajew,
JC
I wonder if, like myself, it will suffer from a ressurection?
Ajew,
JC
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Writing for an audience of one.
Writing for an audience of one.
-
Messiah - Posts: 39
- Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 4:00 pm
Re: Deleted
by TheFutureIsBright » Tue Jan 24, 2012 10:14 pm
Hi, thanks for the feedback!
I know it was really unoriginal, It was my first shot at writing something properly, and I've taken it down to edit it LOADS and make it better and less.. rediculous :L
My inital intention wasn't that he was sexually excited by this dead woman though.. He was just a very obsessive character, who developed an unhealthy attatchment to this girl. I suppose i should really write a background for this..
But anyway, thankyou!
I know it was really unoriginal, It was my first shot at writing something properly, and I've taken it down to edit it LOADS and make it better and less.. rediculous :L
My inital intention wasn't that he was sexually excited by this dead woman though.. He was just a very obsessive character, who developed an unhealthy attatchment to this girl. I suppose i should really write a background for this..
But anyway, thankyou!
- TheFutureIsBright
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:15 am
-
Ergo_Proxy - Posts: 3
- Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:23 am
7 posts
• Page 1 of 1