Indifferently broken

[Ben Allen]

Not sure about line 6 going into line 7, I've tried to learn from Brett's use of enjambment, it seems to work but don't know if I've quite got the right idea.

They left her in a back alley, those Friday Night Boys,
her wings whipped and cracked into mad angles, flight
feathers stuffed cruelly into her mouth.

Her throat pulsed in spastic convulsions, the windpipe
sobbing and bleating like a broken heart. Before she
turned to snowfall she turned her eyes to mine,

meeting my stare with twinned blue iris. I’d never seen eyes
in flower before, they were different as she was different
and it was difference that the Friday Night Boys relished.

[Messiah]

Ben,

for me (unless I'm missing something, again!), even though I can grasp no ''real'' story in your poem it does have a pleasant fairytale ambiguity about it that makes for an enjoyable read.

However, I do have a couple of questions and a pointer.

Qs: Why is back-alley hyphenated? Would it not read better with a comma after Boys (..in a back alley, those Friday Night Boys, her wings …)? Should there be some punctuation here (Before she turned to snowfall she turned her eyes to mine meeting my stare with twinned blue iris.)? If she turned her eyes, why ''iris'' singular?

Pointer: You use ''like'' on three occasions - not only does this stick out as being repetitious, but ''like'' is a word that tells you very little. It (like) should therefore be used sparingly – like every once in a while, but like not like all the time, like. One of your likes could be easily dealt with (they were different like she was different - they were as different as she was different.).

I actually think your poem reads better as prose – however, this could, in all probability, be down to my preference for prose over poetry.

They left her in a back alley, those Friday Night Boys, her wings whipped and cracked into mad angles, flight feathers stuffed cruelly into her mouth. Her throat pulsed in spastic convulsions, windpipe sobbing and bleating like a broken heart. Before she turned to snowfall she turned her eyes to mine, meeting my stare with twinned blue irises. I had never seen eyes in flower before. They were as different as she was different. It was this difference that the Friday Night Boys craved.

To be continued...?

All the best,
Steve.

[Ben Allen]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for you comments.

I've done a little editing on the punctuation and disposed of the 'likes'
as well as changing the final line.
Using 'relished' has changed the meaning a little but I think that the general idea is still there.

Iris - irises, I was under the impression that iris and irises are interchangeable regarding the plural.
Delving a little a deeper I found that 'iris' can be used for a collective of plants and 'irises' is used for a collective of blooms.
I'll settle for iris because I like the way it fits and I feel that using twinned in the sentence helps to carry it off.
Others may disagree and probably quite rightly.

Seeing the poem written out as prose make me wonder if I'm writing pieces of prose and then unconsciously trying to pass them off as poems?
This is something that I'll take a look at, maybe I'm sketching with the poetry form and missing the wider picture.
I've recently taken one of my 'poems' and tried it as a short story (the results are in the short story section if you want to sit and scratch your head and wonder why you bothered going for a look) for some reason it came out with a not very good fake American accent!!
But I thought I'd post it to test the water.
Anyway, something to ponder on and I'm rambling.

Many thanks for the suggestions.
Ben.

[Brett]

Hi Ben,

Like Steve I failed to find a narrative but the hints of a scene are there - and I think Steve is right saying it has a 'fairytale' feel to it.

May I ask if 'angles' was chosen deliberately for being a play on 'angels'?

I liked the 'windpipe/sobbing' but 'bleating like a broken heart' I was less convinced by; does a heart bleat? Broken or otherwise.

Unsure about your change in the final line - it does not, to me, read strong enough; I feel this really needs a punch at the end. Is there anyway to highlight the difference without spelling it out? Just a thought.

Hwyl fawr

Brett

[Ben Allen]

Hi Brett,

Angles wasn't a deliberate choice as a play on angels (I wish I could say it was but I'll be honest) although I did recognise it as such after I'd written it.

Bleating seemed like a good choice at the time but on reflection perhaps not. I was thinking of an upset kind of sound but now I just keep thinking of goats!!

The final line, mmm, I didn't think it was strong enough either so the good thing to come out of this is that I'm starting to recognise the failings in my own writing. Not a bad thing at all.
All I need to do now is to start reacting to them rather than leaving them where they are.

I think I'll play around with this for a while and see if I can make anything more of it.

Thanks for the comment, always appreciated.
Ben.

[Phil]

Enjoyed this. Reading comments above, which I kind of agree with, in terms of narrative, it's the final stanza that is coming adrift for me. Either that - or there's a stanza missing.

Rolls nicely round the mouth.

Phil

[Ben Allen]

Hi Phil,

Thanks for reading and glad that you enjoyed it.

I'll keep nudging it around and see where it goes.
An extra stanza sounds like a good idea.

Cheers
Ben.

[Messiah]

I agree with Brett that ''bleating like a broken heart'' doesn't work. However, I would still encourage you to play around with the idea of a ''bleating heart'', as I feel this an excellent play on ''beating heart''.

Just a thought, all the best,
Steve.

"What droning misery loiters in my malnourished inguina, brought about by infidelity that allows perfidy to deal my mortal strokes these blows with such shameful contempt, by the tongue of a low-born courtesan. Will no one rid me of this bleating heart?"

.

[Ben Allen]

Many thanks for the encouragement Steve.

I don't where the quote is from but I can see how it shows that bleating can work well in relation to the heart or emotions if used in the right context.

I've just read through the quote a couple more times and I'm quite interested. I like the way that so much meaning is given from so few words.
If you don't mind, where is the quote from?

All the best.
Ben.

[Messiah]

’Tis a quote by The Messiah, written specially for this occasion, and based on the alleged words of King Henry II in respect to Beckett.
But, that aside, it does show how the phrase “bleating heart” might be used.

All the best,
M