The Skoda's Tale

[Hugh of Avalon]

It was all Eve's fault really. After all, if her inconsiderate little sister hadn't left those two boxes of recently taken down Christmas trimmings in her garage, then Miranda's near side wing mirror would never have clipped the left hand door frame as Juno was reversing out.

Juno had owned Miranda for quite a number of years now, and was indeed privately rather proud of the reversed status symbol that the Czech built Skoda conferred. And so much more individual than just another of those two horse French tin snails. Although not that 'Miranda' had been Juno's first choice of name. Oh no, when she had first acquired the then three year old Skoda its mid-blue paint work had suggested maleness, and thus Juno had initially christened him 'Wencleslas' after the patron saint of the country of his birth. But no more than a couple of weeks into ownership Juno became convinced that the Skoda's soul was in fact most definitely feminine, the anomaly of colour notwithstanding, and after experimenting with 'Martina' for a day or two she had finally settled on 'Miranda'.

“I simply cannot contemplate why you persist in keeping that dreadful old communist buzz box,” was Mother's invariably expressed opinion concerning Miranda. “I don't expect they drive them even in Bulgaria any more. Why don't you get yourself a nice little Micra, or else one of those little electric cars like they had on The News recently?”

Juno picked up the dislodged and smashed wing mirror from off the concrete floor, and eyed the scar on Miranda's flank disconsolately. Parts for these older Skodas were not so easy to come by now. She knew she could always look on e-Bay of course, had done so before, but that could take many weeks, and in any case Juno had never liked the idea of buying goods unseen. Far too many internet rip-off merchants about!

This was hardly proving a grand start to the new year. But then Juno felt that special light bulb illuminating inside her mind ...!

After a good few years of ownership Juno knew practically every Skoda joke going by heart: 'Why do Skodas have heated rear windows? To stop you getting frostbitten fingers as you push start them on winter mornings!' 'How do you double the value of a Skoda? Fill its tank with orange juice!' Although she was alone Juno rolled back her eyeballs. But in between making inane quips about Miranda at the office Christmas party hadn't that lanky new junior also said something about a scrap yard across town? Some place where he supposedly sourced cheap parts for his mum's Renault? Juno glanced at her watch. Shopping and Little Sis would have to wait. She retraced her steps indoors, hauled the Yellow Pages out from under the coat stand, and thumbed through to the letter 'S'.



.




It seemed like an alien world, and for a moment Juno thought of that film 'All Quiet on the Western Front'. Acres of wrecked vehicles, seemingly all laid out in never ending rows three and four high. Oozing, muddy wet lanes in between. And, chained up in front of a ramshackle portable building, two loudly barking, Alsatian type dogs. The nearby large sign read: 'A.S. Bennet and Son. Vehicle Recyclers. CAUTION! GUARD DOGS. STAY IN YOUR VEHICLE AND SOUND HORN.'

Eventually a youngish man in a filthy blue overall Juno believed to be correctly called a boiler suit approached. He angled his head back slightly.

“Yeah?”

“Uh ...” With uncertainty Juno risked getting out of Miranda, although she still positioned herself behind the open driver's door. “I was wondering … uh … I want a new wing mirror for my Skoda.”

The lad ran his blank gaze over Miranda, then half turned back toward the metallic wasteland.

“Dad! Lady here wants a new wing mirror for her Skoda!”

A similarly attired but much older man with a huge beer belly lumbered out from a little side alley in the nearest wall of stacked up vehicles. He too eyed Miranda for a few seconds, then Juno, then turned and wordlessly disappeared back the way he had come.

The wait seemed interminable. Juno risked a little smile, and nodded in the general direction of the thankfully now quietened dogs. The two canines stared back with sullen, evil eyes.

“What are their names?”

A shrug.

“Well, I expect they're really quite friendly if you go up to them, aren't they?”

Bennet Junior betrayed no expression. “No.”

Finally Bennet Senior re-appeared from a totally different direction. He halted some little way off holding something aloft in his hand. “I got this one.”

Suppressing her fear of the two chained up guardians, Juno moved away from Miranda. Closer to Bennet Senior revealed nicotine yellowed teeth and several days of beard growth. Within his hand Juno could make out a black plastic car wing mirror inside a sealed cellophane wrapper.

“It's brand new.”

Juno was seriously regretting her bright idea of earlier. This was most definitely not shopping as she understood it! But still, a wing mirror was a wing mirror after all, and Bennet Senior claimed it was new. Although she'd definitely take Miranda to the garage that did her servicing to get it fitted.

Bennet Senior shuffled his Wellington boots on the oily, muddy ground. “Well, want it then?”

No, not a good idea at all! Juno forced a polite smile. “Yes ... uh … I'm sure it will do nicely.”

Bennet Senior gave a nod, and to her surprise and not inconsiderable consternation Juno watched as Bennet Junior deftly stepped around Miranda's still open driver's door and slid his greasy overalled backside onto her driving seat. Bennet Senior thrust the cellophane wrapped wing mirror into her hand.

“There you go then, Princess! Fair swap ...”

[Lordspudz]

I enjoyed this. Easy to read, nice flow and great ending.
Has the potential to be expanded into a very good, longer, tale.

[Hugh of Avalon]

Many thanks for reading and reviewing, Lordspudz. This is essentially a literary joke.

[chrismorton]

So did he want to swap the mirror for the skoda?

Enjoyable to read and the style flowed well. We used to have a skoda when I was younger. Used to get taken to school in it. Recognise those jokes.

[Hugh of Avalon]

Very many thanks, Chris. Old Skoda jokes are like old seamen - they never die - they just smell that way all the time ...

[Ben Allen]

This is a well written joke, Hugh.
I didn't see the end coming and it raised a smile when I got there.
Alsation/Alsatian - just a minor typo but thought I'd point it out.

One of my favourite cars of the past was a 'skip shaped' Lada made of bodyfiller, bought for a hundred quid when I was down on my luck and needed transport. Sixty mile an hour top speed and the turning circle of a disorientated five legged ferret. I had to sell it eventually because my wife couldn't turn the steering wheel!!
Sad to see such a quirky machine go, though.

Enjoyed.
Ben

[Hugh of Avalon]

Glad you enjoyed it and didn't guess the punchline! The old type Lada Riva was of course another commumist offering in a class of their own. Oh, for the old days of impecunious motoring!

[Hugh of Avalon]

And also (meant to say) thanks for picking up on the typo - have put it right!

[Owlet]

Loved the joke at the end of this, Hugh!

This is well written. You have achieved the perfect balance of elaborate descriptive words and more straightforward simple get-to-the-point sentences. Plus, every word used is significant.
Hmmmm, unlike this review in which I am now in danger of waffling...


Thank you, I enjoyed this!

[Hugh of Avalon]

Many thanks, Owlet! Pleased you enjoyed it. Basically a joke dressed up a bit, I nevertheless do find these short 'punch line' pieces good fun to write.