Satelites

[silvershoes]

going going gone.

[Ben Allen]

Also not sure about first line or how the hell you spell concertined..

Hi Emma,

I don't think the word exists, although you might get away with concertina'd (bearing in my mind that I'm not adverse to making my own words up)

Other than that check here: http://oxforddictionaries.com/definitio ... ?region=us

Concertinaed maybe the one.

Hope that helps.
Ben

But you're sleeping now
wine heavy eyes closed, unaware above
peace cranes and hopping frogs might walk the skies.

Thought I'd mention it while I'm here, that's a cracking last line, think it'll stay in my mind for a while.

[silvershoes]

thanks Ben. Think I'm going to stick with what I have and claim I'm making a verb out of a noun, or some such. Still needs quite a few tweaks though.b

[Ben Allen]

This is a lot better than the first two versions.
It must have been spinning round your head all day (like a satellite!)
The only thing that puts me off, although I might be focussing on it, is
concertinered.
Just wondering, and it seems a bit too obvious, but have you tried just using concertina - the meaning is pretty much the same as what you are trying to get over, I know it's all syllables and stuff so just a suggestion.

Other than that I like it, unusual subject and carried off well.
The end three lines finish it off with a personal touch and the changes you've made make them even better.

All the best
Ben

[Lordspudz]

Nicely written, graphical and, for me, doesn't jar.
The last three lines perfect bringing you, literally, back to Earth and linking you back to the first line.
My only concern lies with the concertina line. I can see the clever link between origami and folds, or in this case unfolding, but it's not clear what is unfolding. Maybe the 'metal arms' being mentioned along with 'concertinered' would clarify this part of the piece. Just my opinion of course.

[Sue]

I saw this documentary and I know exactly what you mean by concertina-ing It may not be so clear to someone who hasn't seen it, but I like the idea of origami launching the satellites into space.

Should the full stop in line three be a comma? Those two sentences seem to me to be one.

The progression of the poem puzzles me a little - the narrator is lying in bed, then texting to say "I'll be home late" - which made me wonder whose bed s/he was in, though there is no mention of another person apart from the one being texted.

I love the last two lines, partly because of the unexpected rhyme and the iambic rhythm, and partly for the sudden introduction of the symbolic animals, and partly for the puzzle of why they are important

[silvershoes]

thanks Ben and Lordsputz. Still not happy with first line, that "picture" feels a bit weak. I've had count, but that also seems a bit lame (would anyone really do that?)

and has been pointed out the couple of lines around concertina. Off to tweak again!

Many thanks. Glad you like the ending.

Emma

[silvershoes]

and thanks Sue. I'd imagined narrator awake in bed next to her sleeping husband (whose given up waiting for her to get in). But if that's not clear, then need to look at again. Seem what you mean about time hoping back and forth. Liked the idea that its mainly about communication but they don't seem to be communcation, but again not sure that really comes through! Back to the drawing board.

[patterjack]

A fascinating concept. I am one who remembers waiting anxiously, lying in warm grass under a clear sky , to watch the first Sputnik pass over, and this verse brought back that feeling of wonder .
It will take some editing still , but a valiant attempt .

[Deborahhambrook]

Really liked this. Especially enjoyed the flow of words and sounds, as they trip off the tongue. That seems a bit ignorant of me, but sometimes it is the part of poetry that fascinates me the most.

Deb x